you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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