my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
