when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
