Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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