It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
