OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
