i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
