Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
