I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.