Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"