Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My hand turned me down
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
