So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
