I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
