When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
