just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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