I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
