Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
