ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
