I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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