We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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