fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sober January is a disaster.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
