i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
