Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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