You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
