Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Found the puke drawer
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
