1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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