well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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