Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
