the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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