Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
