i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
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