Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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