Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
