all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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