Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
