True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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