Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
