i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The Olympian is in my bed
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