JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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