well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
