Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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