She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
