i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
