roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
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We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
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The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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