now i know why i became what i already was.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
