alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
