Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
