it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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