Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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