When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
