FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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