This is not my ceiling
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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