It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
