I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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