ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
