Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
