You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
