she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
