Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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