I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
