I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
