I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
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Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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